Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality
People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.
I would say I’m the opposite of being suspicious of people and actually trust them too easy. I think I’m always striving for friendships and connections with people, I end up trusting them too quickly. This doesn’t usually end well. If they reciprocate the feelings, then it becomes an intense friendship, which consumes me and then quickly dies out. If they don’t reciprocate, then I end up losing a friend and feeling foolish and too needy. So neither are good. I have been trying to keep friendships at a ‘normal’ level, but I think I unconsciously keep people at arm’s length and hold back a little. I think this is because I am scared of losing them, scared of them realising how abnormal I am and scared of becoming obsessed with them.
So I don’t think I’m suspicious, just scared and cautious.
I think I do disassociate sometimes, but I just thought I always went into my own little world. I never thought there was anything wrong with it. I guess when I get really angry and don’t remember it, it could be classed as disassociating, as I don’t remember it and it doesn’t feel as though it happened it to. It feels as though it was something I was watching on television. From a young age, I have always felt spaced out. When I was at college, people thought I was always stoned as I was never ‘with it’. I guess I’ve never really had many friends, so I learnt and got used to being in my own mind. I don’t necessarily prefer it, I’ve just got used to it. It feels as though it is a part of me, but does get more frequent the worse I feel.