If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time being angry at yourself.
I think to a certain degree I’m always angry. It’s always bubbling away under the surface. That’s how it feels anyway. I can get angry at the smallest thing and it consumes me. It is all I can think about and I can’t just let it go. Most of my anger is suppressed. I keep it in. It is usually towards myself anyway. But when I have lost it, I exploded. A couple of years ago, I spent a summer just getting drunk and being angry towards my partner. I don’t actually remember a lot of it, not sure if it due to being drunk or because the anger consumes me. Probably a mix of the two to be honest. But according to my partner, I was vile. I said horrible things to her and I said things to purposely push her buttons. I don’t know why. Maybe I was trying to push her away from me, because I thought she was better off without me. She is. I was never angry towards my friends or co-workers. I think this is because I always want them to like me and never want to upset them. So if they did make me angry, I kept it all bottled up and unfortunately my partner bore the brunt of it all. I haven’t been that angry in a while. I think it is because of the medication I am on, it has suppressed all of my feelings. But I have been getting angry at work, but have been trying to deal with it in a constructive way. Honestly, I can feel it bubbling up and I don’t think it will be long until I do explode again. I just hope it isn’t at my partner or my employer. Not that I particularly like my employer, I just need a job!
I am trying to control my anger and often have to calm myself down and tell myself that I am over-reacting. But then I don’t know when I am over-reacting or under-reacting or reacting in the right manner. It can be confusing. I guess I have always been a bit of a walk over and let people treat me like rubbish, because I don’t want to lose them – guess that comes under fear of abandonment. They all feed into each other and can make every day hard and confusing. When you can’t trust your own emotions and feelings, what can you trust?