Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm includes all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.
I have self-harmed in the past. I have cut myself, scratched myself, punched inanimate objects, abused alcohol and gambled. I still have the urges. I sometimes gamble, nowhere near as much as I used to, but it still gives me that sense of release, then promptly followed by guilt. Even though it is only small amounts of money, I know I am doing it for the wrong reasons. I often think about cutting myself. But I always stop myself, talk myself out of it. I also got a tattoo on my wrist, so if I do start having those thoughts, I can talk myself out of it, as I won’t want to ruin my tattoo.
I have a lot of thoughts about suicide. Sometimes these are fleeting and sometimes they are quite intense. I used to think that it was normal to think about your own demise. Turns out it’s not. But I still do it. I can be going about my day and it can just pop into my head. Just a passing thought of suicide. Nothing to bring me down. It doesn’t make me want to act on it, but it’s just there. It is as normal for me as it is someone thinking about what they will have for dinner. But then there are times when it becomes intense and it is all I can think about all day. I think about how I would do it, that everyone would be better off without me and how it won’t really matter to anyone. I know these thoughts are not rational, but they can overwhelm me.
I have attempted suicide in the past, I won’t go into details, but I have. I have also been very close to attempting several times. It has always been when I am intoxicated. Being drunk, makes the thoughts harder to ignore, makes they appear more valid. But thankfully, I have never succeeded. The thing is, I don’t want to die, I just want the shit to stop. It is exhausting living every day with this illness, second-guessing every emotion and feeling you have, trying to put a smile on your face and functioning as a member of society. Sometimes it is just too much and I just want it to stop. But it is impossible to escape your own thoughts and emotions. That’s why I can view suicide as my only option. My only relief. As I said, I don’t want to die, I just want peace.