Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors
If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.
I have general impulses that are not self-destructive. For example, a few months ago, I woke up and decided I was going to paint my bedroom. I went out and got everything I needed and then did it. I didn’t really think about it, I just did it. I also bought a PS4 just after Christmas and have only played it a handful of times. But I wanted it, so I got it.
I have had impulses that have caused me problems. I used to gamble, a lot. I loved the rush from it, it made me feel alive. Then came the guilt and shame. But I always went back for more. It was the only time I really felt alive. I have stopped it now. Well, I do it occasionally, but it is for fun and not for that high.
I like to buy things when I’m feeling bad. Nothing big or expensive. It is usually food. Chocolate, sweets and fast food. Or I’ll buy my partner some junk food or a magazine. I used to buy myself DVDs. I have usually already seen the film and never actually watch the DVD. I just accumulated them. I stopped that. Then started on video games. First it was my PS2 and then my Xbox 360. I’ve bought so many games for them and haven’t played a lot of them. Just before Christmas I found a bag with 3 Xbox games, which I had completely forgotten about. At the end of last year I booked my CBT (Compulsory Basic Training) so I could ride a 125cc motorbike. I have never been on a motorbike before, have no idea how to drive a car, don’t really know the Highway Code and last rode a bicycle when I was about 13. They did offer a one-on-one session to see if you would like it. But, I didn’t want that. I wanted to do the CBT, although it was highly likely that I would fail it. Which I did. But instead of giving up, I then did the one-on-one lesson. This was in about October/November last year. I then stopped. I just kinda forgot about it. It was in the back of mind, now and then, but I didn’t give it too much thought. I then over-analysed it and was trying to determine whether it was just one of my random urges or whether I really wanted to do it. I decided that I really did want to do it. So last weekend I went back and passed it. Now I just have to get my first bike. I was slightly worried that I only wanted to do it because of the rush it gave me (it gives you a big adrenaline hit), but I also enjoyed the freedom. I think it is like Marmite and you either love it or hate it. So far, I love it. So I’m just gonna go with it. I’m not going to analyse it. I’m just going to enjoy it.
I’m a big binge eater. Or as my partner says, a mindless eater. When I’m feeling bad, I just shovel food in. I don’t really taste it. I don’t really enjoy it. It’s just the routine and habit of it. I only do it with sweets and chocolates. Mind you, that is the majority of my diet. I don’t really eat well. I struggle to keep a routine with food and don’t really enjoy that much of it. Also, I don’t enjoy cooking and can’t be bothered to do it. I can go days without eating a proper meal, which probably doesn’t help my moods.
I used to be a binge drinker. I’ve never been a big drinker and I can’t really handle my alcohol. But when I was 19 and first went to University, I drank, a lot. I was always getting completely wasted and then got myself into some right states. I would pick arguments with people, get over-dramatic and very self-centred. Most the time, I ended up in a crying heap, wailing about how horrible I was. Not such fun times. A couple of years ago, I started going out and drinking quite a bit. Again, I was getting shit-faced, but instead of hating myself, I got very angry. But only at my partner. Oh the fights we had. Well, I say we, I mean me. The abuse I hurled at her. The arguments I made out of nothing. Sometimes I just saw red. Other times, I just couldn’t understand why she was with me and I guess I was pushing her away, expecting her to leave. She didn’t. She stayed with me. Still not entirely sure why she did!
I do still have these urges and the only why I can control them, is by feeling nothing. I just turn off all my emotions, so I don’t feel anything. I know this is not the way to deal with it, but it is all I’ve got at the moment. I struggle with just existing and working. Adding the extra pressure of trying to stop myself of doing things I want to do, would just be too much. I’m working on it. I’m a work in progress. I think with BPD, I always will be.