Unclear or unstable self-image.
When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, and even sexual identity.
I’ve never known who I am or what I want. I know there are a lot of people who don’t know what they want in life, what they want as a career. But, I just don’t know who I am. I don’t know what my likes and dislikes are. I don’t know what my hobbies are. I don’t even know what type of music I like. It all depends on who my friends are at the time. I will like what they like. I will listen to the music they listen to. I will do the things they like. I’m not manipulative. I’m not pretending. I just want them to like me. I don’t know what I like, so I think they can introduce me to new things and I might like them. I can be easily persuaded to change my mind on a subject. I’m not gullible. It’s not even a conscious decision. But, I know I do it because I want them to like me. I want to have something in common with them. I want to be what they want me to be. Through doing this, I have discovered things that I like (I think) and don’t look for approval from others about it. But I’m never 100% committed to anything. I’ll like something. I’ll really like something. I’ll love something. Then I’ll just stop. Sometimes for a long time, sometimes for a short time, sometimes forever. Or I’ll like something, but not know much about it. But don’t have the energy, inclination or attention-span to find out more about it. The only thing I’ve been interested in is the television show Xena. I love that show. Have done for nearly 20 years. I don’t watch it that much anymore. But I still love anything and everything to do with it. I went to Comic Con in November and managed to buy a Xena mug. I was so happy. Maybe it is because I use to use it as an escape when I was younger and my affection for it has stayed. I don’t know. But I am trying to be more aware of my feelings towards things and try to figure out if I really like it or if it is because someone I know likes it. It can be hard. It can be tiring. At the end of last year I got obsessed about learning to ride a motorbike. I booked my CBT (never tried to ride one before and can’t even start a car) and obviously failed it. I then bought books about it, bought motorbike magazines, took a one-on-one training lesson. Then the feeling faded. But it is still there. It is something I want to do and I am planning on going for my CBT again. So, I believe that to be a genuine want for it. I use to play a lot of video games when I was younger and still like to play them. Over Christmas I wanted to buy a new TV and a PS4. I kept thinking it was just my impulsiveness, so ignored it. I then bought them, both. Love the TV. I’ve played on the PS4 about 3 or 4 times. I think that was an impulse. It is so hard to distinguish.
I get easily bored at jobs. When I first start, I always see it as the best opportunity and am really excited about it. But, it doesn’t take me long to become bored. To start thinking about getting a different job in a different sector. I resent the job. I hate it. I hate the managers. I hate the customers/clients/public. I hate it all. I then start to resent it. I hate myself for not being qualified to get another job. A better paid job. A more exciting job. Then usually my work starts to suffer. I cut corners. Get easily distracted. Start under-performing. Get in trouble. Get stressed. Have time off sick. Then finally quit. It’s a vicious cycle that has been happening all my life. I am bored at my current job which I have only been doing for a year. But I can feel all these feelings creeping in. I work hard to stop them. But it feels like a losing battle when you are fighting your own mind.
But I am fighting them. I will keep analysing them, in the hope that one day I will know instantly if they are my thoughts or if it is the BPD talking.