I’m back! Again.

Once again I have not updated this blog in a little while, but I’m going to start making it a regular thing.

In my last post, I said that I had an appointment with the Mental Health Team. I did it. I spoke to a lady for over an hour on the phone. Which is a big thing for me, as I hate speaking on the phone, especially to people I don’t know and about personal things. So, she gave me an unofficial diagnosis of BPD, she couldn’t give me an official diagnosis as she was not qualified. She then consulted with another member of Mental Health Team who is a specialist in BPD. She called me back a week later and asked me further questions and then advised me I was suitable for BPD treatment, although she still couldn’t give me an official diagnosis. I was put forward for a group therapy which was to take place on a weekly basis. Due to my job, I knew I would not be able to do this. But being the idiot that I am, I didn’t tell them, I just ignored it. They have now discharged me from their services. I received a letter advising me I had been discharged, whilst stating I am severely depressed and mildly anxious.

I’m not really sure why I didn’t tell them I couldn’t make it. Part of me didn’t want to let them down. I know that is ridiculous, as it was more of an inconvenience to them by me not telling them and just not turning up. I didn’t want to call to tell them I couldn’t go, as I would have felt bad and stupid and they would have asked me what other treatment I wanted and I hate being put on the spot. I just become agreeable and probably would have agreed to a different treatment I wouldn’t be able to go to. It’s really stupid and selfish. I know someone else could have been referred to that treatment and I potentially stopped them. Another part of me, was scared of having treatment. I know it would have brought up a lot of stuff and I’m not sure if I could deal with it. But then, I guess I’m not coping so well at the moment, so I guess it couldn’t hurt to have tried.

As you can probably tell, my thoughts and feelings about it are quite mixed and confusing.

So, what am I going to do about it? Well, I have been trying to manage my anger. Maybe anger is the wrong word. I would say rage describes it better. I can fly off the handle at silly things. Usually at my partner. She puts up with a lot. But, recently it hasn’t happened as much. When I feel it come on, I walk away from my partner (and she’s learning to walk away from me) and go to a room on my own and try and think or do something else. Sometimes it is something as simple as stroking my cat. The repetitive motion helps calm me down. Sometimes it can come on too quickly and I will just snap at my partner and I want her to respond and to have an argument. Sometimes this happens, but a lot of the time she walks away and doesn’t respond. This does piss me off at the time, but I am learning to not follow her to continue it and use the space to calm down. In the last few weeks, I think I have only snapped a couple of times and I can’t remember the last proper argument we had. Which is really good, as it was becoming a daily occurrence.

I think what has also contributed to this, is the fact I haven’t felt that angry. Which weirdly is not a good thing. I’ve jut felt numb and empty. It’s a strange feeling to try and describe. It’s not as easy as just not having any feelings, it’s kind of like feeling lost. If something good or bad happens, I know I should be feeling something, but I don’t. It just doesn’t happen. It’s like my mind is incapable of processing the emotions, so it just doesn’t. Oh, I do lie. I have felt completely alone and abandoned. It seems that all the friends I did have, no longer want to be in contact with me and don’t want to spend any time with me. I can’t really blame them. I don’t want to spend time with me, but I don’t have a choice. I know some of this is irrational, as I’m terrible at keeping in contact with people and forgot to message them and stuff. But that’s only about 2 or 3 people. It seems that I’m intent on keeping myself isolated and alone, even though it is my greatest fear and I hate it. I just wish I had more friends. God, that makes me sound really pathetic! Hmmn, maybe because I am.

Nat xx