So, I haven’t written an entry in a little while and this is mainly due to my new job. Partly due to the fact that it is the first time I have ever done shift work and it’s tiring me out. But it is mostly because I have to focus on work. When I write these blogs or even think about writing them, it brings up a lot of. . . .well, shit. It makes me think about things that I don’t usually think about and it can put me in a bad place. It doesn’t always. Sometimes, it actually helps me. I just can’t afford to risk it. I can’t afford to have a ‘bad day’. I have to keep going. I have to be able to go in and do my job. But I’ve had a few days off and not due back for another 3 days, so thought now was a good time to give it a go.
I’m not sure how to properly start this, so I’ll just say what I’m thinking. I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not one of these people that likes to self-diagnose and wants to have something wrong with me. But it just fits. If you are not aware of what it is, Mind have information about it on their website here. I have a telephone consultation next week about my Mental Health and I’m debating whether to tell them. It’s not that I don’t want help. I do. I really do. I just want the right help. I think if I tell them, then it might steer everything towards that and I might get misdiagnosed. But then if I don’t tell them, this might not even be thought about and I could still get misdiagnosed.
I came across this by Google, so I know it’s not a reliable source. But I was searching about my obsessiveness and this kept popping up. I looked at several different reliable websites and they all had the same symptoms. I then thought about my thoughts and behaviors and it just matched. Not all of them, but most of them. When I first realised that I wasn’t scared, I was relieved. So relieved. It made me think that I wasn’t completely crazy. I wasn’t abnormal. I wasn’t alone. But then I wondered if I was making the other symptoms fit me. Making myself ‘have’ this. So, I sat down with my partner and went through the symptoms with her and asked if she thought they related to me. She did. Again, there was relief. Then it suddenly dawned on me, that I don’t want to have something else wrong with me. I already suffer from Depression and Anxiety. I can barely cope with them. I don’t want something else to try and deal with as well. So then there was panic and stress. But I’ve realised that if I am diagnosed with it, that doesn’t mean I just suddenly have it. I would have had it all my life, only now it is being recognised. If I do have this and do receive help/treatment for it, maybe it will actually help. Maybe the little treatment I have received, has been the wrong kind of treatment. Maybe there is hope for me. So now, I’m thinking that in a way I do want to be diagnosed with it. But then, what if I don’t have it? What hope is there for me? What help is there for me? What the hell is wrong with my head?
So, I have to wait until next week and see what they think. Even if I do have it, they won’t be able to tell me there and then, so I’ve still got a long while to go. I’m still not sure what I want the outcome to be. I guess I just want to understand myself a bit better. Why I do and think the things I do. But maybe, they can’t help me with that. Maybe that’s something I have to figure out for myself. Or maybe not. Who knows?
I certainly don’t.
P.S The title of this blog is a quote from the film Girl Interrupted.