I have been told in the past that I am self-centred and selfish, but I never really believed it. I might of at the time, but I justified it to myself, by believing that the person was just being horrible or it is because I am shy and can come across that way or it is my Depression and not actually me. I think I was wrong. I think I am selfish. I come across as selfless and that I am always thinking of others, but ultimately I am only concerned with myself. I have hurt so many people in the past and I do feel guilty about it, but that doesn’t seem to stop me from doing it again. At the time, I am only concerned with myself and my feelings. How I feel about the situation. How it is affecting me. What I want. The other person is an afterthought. Then I feel guilty. Then I feel bad about how I’ve made them feel. See, still about me. Maybe I am a horrible, manipulative person. Maybe it is the depression. Maybe I just don’t play well with others. Maybe I should be on my own and not bother other people. Maybe everybody is selfish in their own way. Maybe my depression just exacerbates this trait in me. I really don’t know. All I know is that I don’t like it. I don’t like this part of me. But I can’t seem to change it. Maybe I am just a horrible person or maybe I am really ill. Maybe I can’t trust my thoughts. But if I can’t trust myself, then who can I trust?
I just don’t know.