Obsession

I have always had an obsessive personality. I’ve brushed it off by saying I’m slightly OCD, but I’m not. My obsessions are completely different. I obsess over people. I obsess over music. I obsess over films. Yes, I know lots of people are obsessive about certain films and franchises, but again, mine is different.

With music, I can listen to the same song on repeat for hours. Over and over again. Sometimes, I just really like the song. Most of the time, it’s an obsession. I’m either feeling in a really shitty mood and that particular song means something to me and/or sums up how I’m feeling, or I feel that I have to listen to every single word and if I miss any, I have to start over again. It’s usually the latter and considering I’m usually doing something else whilst listening to it, it’s inevitable that I’m going to miss some of the words. I don’t think anything bad is going to happen if I don’t hear some of the words, I just want to hear them all. I think I like setting myself up for failure. I mean if I’m doing other things, it won’t be possible for me to hear all the words! Yet, I still think I should. I’m still determined to do it.

Then there’s films and TV. I haven’t been obsessed about a particular film for a while now. I mean there are films that I love and have to watch when they come out, but not in an obsessive way. The last time I got obsessed over a film was about 10 years ago. It was Girl Interrupted. God, I was obsessed. I had it on video and now have it on DVD. I still watch it if it comes on TV, but I use to watch it all the time. I think I became obsessed with it, because I could relate to it. At that time, I didn’t know I was ill. I didn’t know I had depression. I was quite sheltered and didn’t really know much about mental health illnesses. But this opened my eyes. I remember watching it and thinking how I’d like to be in that Mental Health Hospital with them. I liked the characters. I could see them being my friends. I could understand them. I think after watching that, I started to realise that I was not well. But I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. I didn’t know where to go. Who to talk to. I didn’t want people to worry. I knew my thoughts were not ‘right’, but they were right to me and I didn’t want people telling me differently. I didn’t want to know that I was unwell. I didn’t want to know that I shouldn’t trust my thoughts. So I kept it to myself. I tried to hide those thoughts and feelings from the outside world. Looking back, I didn’t do a very good job at hiding it, but at the time I thought I was. So, my only release, the only time I felt understood was watching that film.

I also obsess over people. Not in a ‘I want them and no-one else can have them’ kinda way, but they just become all I think about. I wonder all the time what they think of me and try to do everything to make them like me or to keep them liking me. This isn’t even people I fancy, it’s just people I want to be friends with. I try to fit in. I try to do the things they like, so they’ll like me. I forget about everything else and just focus on them. I disregard all other relationships and friendships and this one person becomes my only focus. I’ll do anything for them, at the expense of everyone else. I don’t know why I do it. I don’t even have to know that person that well. It usually is someone I have just met. I’m not entirely sure why I do it and if it is due to my mental illness. I don’t think it is a symptom of depression. Maybe there is something else that I have yet to be diagnosed with. Does it count as reckless/impulsive behaviour? I don’t know. I don’t know what it would be classed as. All I know is that it is me. I’ve done it all my life. I still do it. I just wish I didn’t.

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Self-centred

I have been told in the past that I am self-centred and selfish, but I never really believed it. I might of at the time, but I justified it to myself, by believing that the person was just being horrible or it is because I am shy and can come across that way or it is my Depression and not actually me. I think I was wrong. I think I am selfish. I come across as selfless and that I am always thinking of others, but ultimately I am only concerned with myself. I have hurt so many people in the past and I do feel guilty about it, but that doesn’t seem to stop me from doing it again. At the time, I am only concerned with myself and my feelings. How I feel about the situation. How it is affecting me. What I want. The other person is an afterthought. Then I feel guilty. Then I feel bad about how I’ve made them feel. See, still about me. Maybe I am a horrible, manipulative person. Maybe it is the depression. Maybe I just don’t play well with others. Maybe I should be on my own and not bother other people. Maybe everybody is selfish in their own way. Maybe my depression just exacerbates this trait in me. I really don’t know. All I know is that I don’t like it. I don’t like this part of me. But I can’t seem to change it. Maybe I am just a horrible person or maybe I am really ill. Maybe I can’t trust my thoughts. But if I can’t trust myself, then who can I trust?

I just don’t know.